2019 Secret Satan - Official Register of Disappointment

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Satan's offal was large this year, my friends. He pooped out a heft cubic foot of box on my doorstep. First look, a holistic display, then I will break down his excrescences:



In keeping with tradition, Baalzvuuv sweetens the pot with some legit thoughtful presents, if only to lull me into complacence before showing me all the things I am pretty sure are for colonic use only. A nice looking game: CHRONICLE X, which is loaded with minis I will never paint and my children are sure to scatter amongst their treasures. A nice 1000 piece puzzle, which The Adversary indicates may be missing pieces, which I can work out once I put it together. A beautiful book on Swedish Commodore64 fanatics. And of course, the MODOC mug, which is a treasure .

On to Shaitan's more expressive inclusions. A luchador mask, with which to entertain my wife as we read the SEX graphic novels that my kids went agog at.



ARCHIE's digest looks to include the long-awaited Beronica slash we've dreamt of since adolescence. Included is well is a long, long, probe of some sort, with a suction cup on one side. Some Googling let me work out it's sold as the floor-based attachment for an iPad mounting device known as the Octa, but in context, it's pretty clearly a marital aid intended for folks that are married to rhinoceroses. A small wooden tiki also has rectal dimensions, but is likely intended to make Brady boys fall off surfboards at inopportune moments.



Obviously the Prince Of Lies knows my history, and reminds me of how much PANDEMIC:LEGACY sucks by giving me a new set of playing pieces, and noting my politics with some on-point bumper stickers that would ensure local Silverados burning coal on my Leaf for the foreseeable future.



A truly massive collection of knick-knackery fills out the space. Banana flavored candies in a crypto-racist tin, what is likely a complete collection of Michael Jordan Hanes underwear trading cards, an envelope promising "Gift Certificate inside!,"* MAD Magazine taking on "Me Too," many plastic spacecraft, some play money, cool stickers, and a remarkable set of Subaru badges of some sort, intended to be attached to your car or local lesbian, it's not clear.

There was more, but I won't belabor this post. Mephistopheles was very good to me, and I want you all to know how much I love and appreciate this community.

*Reader, there was no gift certificate inside.

I knew something was amiss when the dogs began to bark and howl. Sure enough, a large, ugly cardboard box had been left on the doorstep by the mail lady who was backing away quickly. Was the aura of evil coming from the box so strong that she couldn't bear to be near it a second more than necessary?

Nah, she probably just didn't want to have to answer any questions about the state of the box and the unfortunate yellow stickers slapped all over it: "RECEIVED WITHOUT CONTENTS."

Yes, sadly, somewhere between Hell and my doorstep the contents of a box that started out at 16 lbs were reduced to a mere 5 ounces: a little glitter, a note, and a bag of pretzels. Sigh, evil comes in many guises.

Big package showed up today, with pieces falling out of the box on the nearby sidewalk. Satan you bastich, ya gonna make me have to sweep this $hit up? Thank goodness the garbage bin is right outside my place. Contemplated just putting the whole box in it (just kidding Satan), dragged it inside, up three flights of stairs, and placed it on the living room floor.

Then my wife walks in.

F-word*. She's been listening to me whine about getting rid of games and our overflowing collection and she's standing here to watch what has shown up. "It's from Satan," I says. "Riiiight," she says.

I open up and WOW Satan was feeling good AND cranky at the same time.

Pull out a copy of Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus board game. My wife actually says, "Maybe we can play that with friends!" Wow, a game my wife would actually like to play. AWESOME. Maybe she'll like some of these other things?

No way. Because next I spy a heavy box of Legions of Steel, and another with a ton of Legions of Steel expansions and books in it! Yeah, she's not gonna truck with this at all. BUT I WILL PERUSE THESE FOR A LONG TIME. Love it. I mentally draw a pentagram in my head thanking my supplier.

Next out the box is Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur, and the dinosaur wind-up still works! Satan is feeling extra generous this year.

Then a copy of some Haba kids' game called Bauer Schnell! People on BGG seem to be asking for the rules to be uploaded for this one. This one comes with rules. I close the BGG window and move on HAHA.

New England - had this game a while back when I lived in New England. Underneath it, Ticket to Ride the France expansion, cool! Unpunched even. Satan must've appreciated that I kept him in mind every day while at work this year. I've over the MOON with these. Ha get it. Wife shakes her head.

Next a card for some Kickstarter Street Fighter kind of thing, which helps me realize where Satan got this huge box from. Hopefully he is enjoying that game, if not, I hear it gets good dough on eBay right now.

Finally a copy of a craptastic Deadlands board game, completely spilled out with everything in the box, my stairs, and outside the front door, serving as evidence of a boardgamer living here in Chicago. Gotta clean that up with the quickness.

Satan - you outdid yourself this year. Whatever I did to get on your supportive side, will have to redouble my efforts even more next year. Thanks for the stuff. And thanks for the memory I'll have of my wife smiling at Men Are From Mars and then quickly finding something to do when she saw the Legion of Steel minis (painted even!).

Seriously, this was great.

*Fuck

Satanic update:

I came home from running errands, today, to find a box from Bezos, Hell's richest demon, on my doorstep. Inside I found a new copy of Cyclades - a game that has sat sad and alone on my wishlist for a long time - and a note from Satan expressing scorn for his minions at the USPS.

I did not expect this. That is quite generous, Satan. Thank you.

I have been derelict in my duties. Satan has threatened me with additional pain.

I actually received this before Christmas, so I am very late in this.


on Christmas Eve amongst all the other revelry, I got the stink eye from Postal worker when the package labeled Satan arrived. She already doesn't like me.



side note, I love seeing these boardgame boxes. they really aren't that useful, as they are alittle too small, but it's a nice idea.



Upon opening I saw the soft-porny ad for Dead or Alive 3 showing from copy of Silicon Magazine from 2001. and a triple play PS1 disc for some EA sports stuff.

Also there was Flip City, which is not terrible. and Boss Monster + expansion which look cooler than it is.



the big piece of the box, They Come Unseen which is a pretty sweet looking little piece of light weight war game. about subs and sub hunters in the cold war. I haven't played it yet, but the reading in it is kinda fascinating.

and just to haunt my dreams. Trig homework.

I've had my package for a while, so apologies to my SS.

I got the following package a few days before Christmas. I was heartened by its heft - since heavier is always better, it's science - and optimistic when I pulled two board game-shaped parcels from the box.





I opened the first one to find something called Dogville ("Living the Life of a Dog"). It has rather detailed dog pawns which my daughter immediately demanded to see, as well as a few dozen counters, including "Dog Piddle" tokens to, you know, keep it classy.



The gifts inside the box were a couple books.



The Killer Angels is a legitimately good book I've never read but will now (thanks SS!), and The Third Omnibus of Gotrex and Felix continues the time-honored tradition of SS's gifting expansions without the base game, the middle book/film of a series, etc.

I then turned my attention to the next package:



It's a partial copy of Liguria, which is the prequel to Fresco. Liguria is deeply unsettling to me for myriad reasons, not least of which is the fact that I can't decide if this game's theme is more or less lazy because it's a prequel to a point salad euro I've never heard of. On the one hand, one would think that tying Liguria into the Fresco Mythology would be more work than some other generic theme, but on the other hand Liguria is about gathering paint, which comes across as a low-effort satire of themeless euros.

Most of the space in Liguria's box was taken up by another board game box (clever bit of packing there, SS):



Castle Panic, and with the Wizard's Tower Expansion included! I've always wanted to play it but didn't want to shell out for what I've always read is a somewhat light game (plus I don't need more games by any reckoning), so this was a very welcome surprise. And, joke's on me, the rest of Liguria's bits are in the Castle Panic box, so that fact alone might persuade me to take a stab at playing it. Let's see how the manual sets the mood:

The players assume the role of merchants who transport paints across the Ligurian Sea, trade with others, colonize islands, and maintain diplomatic relations.

In doing so, it is crucial to obtain the proper paints in order to fulfill the prestigious bishop’s contracts. Whoever delivers the most beautiful paints to their home markets ensures that the painted ceiling of their cathedral shines most brightly and will be the winner of the game.

Thank goodness the colonization ultimately serves to make the Bishop happy, otherwise I'd feel morally conflicted about it. The rulebook is narcolepsy-inducing so I don't know if this one will ever hit the table.

I've yet to play Castle Panic, but we've already played a three player game of Dogville at my daughter's request:



My son ran away with the game, collecting and burying the required four bones before my daughter or myself had even gotten two. I think the character boards have a typo, where the word "breed" should be next to the dog's breed, rather than next to the word "action." As it stands, it looks like it's listing the number of "breed actions," which seems like it would be more suited for a tactical minis game set in a dog park and would be a different gameplay experience altogether. And for what it's worth, we begged at restaurants, scavenged trash cans, delivered newspapers and evaded the dogcatcher, but not one of us piddled.

Thanks SS!

The Killer Angels is good. I recommend you pass on his son Jeff's books.

This past Friday, I unexpectedly received a PS4 box reeking of brimstone and treacle. Photos to follow.

Glad I can finally cross "have one of your games included in a Secret Satan package" off of my bucket list.