2019 Secret Satan - Official Register of Disappointment

Ooooh.... Satan has a soft spot. This was a tailor fit gift



And what is it? This:



Satan knows I've got no buddies to play with, so I get the solo game!

But he also knows that I have acquired an interest in naval warfare over the past two years, so this is spot on!

Well done Satan!

https://twitter.com/rapierdwit/status/1208895179421372416?s=19Gather round the yule log, it's time to start a new Christmas tradition. A reading of this timeless classic.

(Or just check out my Twitter @rapierdwit)

Wow, the remake of Warrior Knights! That's the sort of very mid-2000s AT game that is sort of the new old school. Very cool!

I got another missive from the pit!



This time there was a first-level 5e adventure attached.



It's a first-level adventure with a werewolf theme. Pretty excited about this one! Thanks Mr. Siffer!

Secret Satan wrote: Ah_pook, your gift is on its way and it's what happens when I figure out a way to get someone else to foot the shipping. In other words, quantity has a quality all its own.

Good Lord you weren't kidding. Pics incoming tomorrow but whoa, that's a big box and a big shipping 0_0 thanks!

Okay so, my wife texted me yesterday while I was out running errands and said "You got a HUGE box from your secret santa". And man she was right, this thing was enormous! Contained therein were a multitude of... things. Delights? Definitely physical items.

Cthulhu Wars and kitten provided for scale.


Up first, a note!


An interesting looking book!


Another book! This is a weird thing to exist.



I guess this counts as a war game? Its got lots of cool tiny Transformers in it, so thats nice.


A hidden movement spinoff Clue game thats supposed to be good? The box for this is comically huge.


A rad looking game I'll never be able to actually get played, signed by the designers!


A Cthulhu Wars expansion! Awesome! I'm sure the note is just a joke!


Oh wait its a box full of weird bullshit, thats cool too


Stag party 7 inches!


A weird Japanese model of the Joker!


Random action figures!


The continental game, fun for all ages!


I'm sure this is just great!


FROM THE MAKERS OF UNO!


A bunch of Epic 40k books!


And just to twist the knife, two faction cards for Cthulhu Wars factions I don't have.


Thanks a ton Secret Satan, theres a bunch of cool stuff in there that I'm looking forward to poking at! If nothing else I need a record player now to hear wtf is on those stag party records. You warmed my cold dead heart at least a couple degrees

I got my box, we're waiting for a couple of days here to see if anything seeps out. I'll keep you all posted.

Can confirm, the box is huge, heavy, and my middle name is "You Deserve This." I assume it's a Pulitzer Prize, or perhaps a MacArthur Genius Award? We'll see!

Satan! You bastard! I love you. But I also love my wife. And she hates you.
Herein lies the photos of our Christmas Eve.

We open one gift on Xmas eve. Jenn choose a gift from a lovely couple. Inside? A lovely collection of chocolates drizzled in booze. I choose Satan.



The box was heavy. The box was beaten. The box had scratched markings, "Electronics." LIES!



The contents were scattered, but I sorted them out quickly. Not fast enough. My wife SCREAMED, "NO!!!!"



"We just got RID of Dark Moon! How the hell did it come back to us?!" Hell indeed.



This little gem of nonsense may be a fun party game with some theater drunks I share herpes with. Thanks 'ol scratch!

But then. Then. I got these;



It's a bizarre world F:ATties. Only last month did I unbox a tomb from adolescence and set the contents onto my office shelves. I set my subscriptions of Fangoria and Gorezone magazine into my shelves of FX references. Decades ago, prior to choosing a life in academia and fine arts, I was convinced I would be a special effects artist in Hollywood. The real world had other plans...

Secret Satan gave me a duplicate copy of my periodicals from the late 80s. It's almost like he's taunting me, "remember what you could have become?" There are some issues that I have not read. I'll take care of that momentarily. My ale is poured. My wife is passed out. I will spend this cold night revisiting Pumpkinhead and Poltergeist II articles, and lament my detour from a career in latex.

You can't go back again. But Satan has done his best to make me question my path.. Well played you clever bastard.

Santa woke me at 5am. I brewed some coffee and sat down to revisit what SATAN brought the night before. Only now do I appreciate the humor of Bearanoia. I've been bitching and moaning about missing out on Camp Grizzly. The god damn main game is sold out. (Anyone care to sell off their copy to me?)
But Bearanoia? It's a party card game dealing with campers, bear cultists, and a bear. Well done Satan. Well done.

Man, the Lord of the Flies has been really busy. First of all, the mysterious first e-mail arrived retroactively.



Attached to this one was two Call of Cthulhu 7e sourcebooks. Please note that I do not own Call of Cthulhu.





Not long after comes e-mail number 5...



Attached is a game that, if Google Translate isn't lying to me is 1) in Dutch and 2) is about murder.



On to e-mail 6! Satan has a thing for murder, which honestly doesn't surprise me.

For those wondering, you can only attach 8 pictures to a post. Anyway, here's what was in e-mail 6! This is another (very cool-looking) sourcebook for Call of Cthulhu, though to be fair it can also be used with Gumshoe, another game I don't own.



Then when I woke up on Christmas morning, there was a SEVENTH e-mail. The Devil is an intense dude...



Attached here were the files to The Quiet Year. It looks real cool.



Frankly, I am impressed by the Devil's hustle. Sending this many emails would ruin my day, but he's committed! And since I actually experienced Christmas in Asia, I am ahead of most of ya'll. That means this might not actually be over yet...

Alright, mystery solved: Satan is Jewish, and was giving me Hanukkah presents.

Here's the eighth, and presumably final, e-mail.



And what does that link to? The newest RPG hotness, according to Barnes.



In all seriousness, whoever had me has been absurdly generous and gotten me a bunch of cool stuff. I have so much stuff for roleplaying now that I don't know when I'll ever get to it, but I'm more than willing to put in the effort. Thanks Mr. Devil, sir!

What's that? I can't hear over the sound of my new Satan-provided mug. The Mental Organism Designed Only for Coffee.



I'll do a full accounting this evening. I am blessed, embarrassed, and impressed with Satan's generosity; the perfect mix.

Hoping postal Satan didn't divert LJ1983's package to one of the realms of hell.

OK, the MODOK mug is a Secret Satan Hall of Fame inductee.

Michael Barnes wrote: OK, the MODOK mug is a Secret Satan Hall of Fame inductee.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever been more jealous of a SS gift.